Top 5

The past two months have been a bit of a whirlwind.

No, I take that back.

The past two months have been excruciatingly slow while at the same time moving so fast I can hardly keep up.

Here are the Top 5 things that have happened since my last post...

1. Miss Banana turned FOUR. Four crazy-wild-stressful-amazing-stretching years old. My girl is growing up. No longer a baby. Four years old is knocking on the door of elementary school and shaking off the last of the baby-pudge.

I'm not sure if I'm ready for it...but my girl doesn't care. She is growing up and asserting her independence whether I like it or not. I don't know how she does it; but, she can push my buttons and then have me turned into sappy mush faster than I can blink.

My girl's got skills, y'all.

2. Late in the evening after the birthday cupcakes were put away and the presents had all been opened and Miss B and the boys were tucked into bed; we got the call that my Granddad passed away.

We rushed back out to Utah--through a crazy snowstorm with whiteout conditions and the freeway being closed behind us and taking two-and-a-half hours to make it a measly 13 miles and finally having to stop at a hotel 2 hours away from our destination because we simply could go no farther. During this lovely white-knuckle-we-are-all-going-to-die drive, Fearless came down with a stomach bug that involved lots of garbage bags. So in the midst of sub-zero temperatures and swirling snow, we drove with the windows down to let us all breathe some fresh air.

Fun times.

But we made it...and I'm so glad that we did. It was one last way for us to honor my Granddad--to show him how much we love him. He was an amazing man--a rancher, a World War II veteran, a BYU professor, a faithful follower of Christ.

He always said that you should eat dessert first because you never knew if you were going to have room for it after dinner. I think he was right.

I am proud to be his granddaughter.

3. Soccer season is in full swing. There are moments when I laugh at how much of a soccer-mom I have become--I drive a mini-van with the back full of soccer balls and cleats and camp chairs and shin-guards and water bottles--but I love it. I love the look of confidence on the boys' faces when they score a goal. I love they way they do a post-game analysis of their moves with a bit of exaggeration. I love that they are realizing that if they want to be good at it, they have to work hard.

4. School is out for the summer. Miss B finished her second year of preschool. Fearless finished 1st grade. T-Man finished 3rd grade. And while I missed taking the end-of-the-school year pictures this year, I know that they have grown. I don't need the side-by-side to show me that. They have added some inches, but they also have endured and matured their mothering going through brain surgery and recovery, a wedding, a funeral, plus the regular elementary school coming-of-age type stuff. Fearless reads like a pro. T-Man knows all the parts of a crayfish and his multiplication facts. Miss B talks and talks and talks--with some words so clear no one could misunderstand her. I know it's so cliché, but it really is amazing the difference one school year can make.

5. And last of all...

(This is the biggest reason of all that I have not been posting on here.)

I have been sick as a dog and clinging to the couch pretty much since the moment we got back from my Granddad's funeral on April 14th.

No need to panic...Dr. Brains says everything in my head looks good.

Nope, this time it's that Baby #4 is joining our family in December and apparently is already attempting to make his or her place known by pretty much taking me down for the count. No other child of mine has made me this sick before...so who knows what we are in for this go around?!?

Hair.

So I was going to post about Easter and all the fun of last week, but I unexpectedly hit another post-brain-surgery milestone yesterday, so we are halting the presses and posting about THAT instead. The Easter week wrap-up will come another day.

Are you ready for this?!?

MY HAIR WAS FINALLY LONG ENOUGH TO REQUIRE A HAIRCUT!!!!

I think you don't really realize how much hair changes the way you look until you don't have any and you spend 6 months wearing scarves or hats or wigs to give the appearance of hair.

On the plus side, I can now cross "shaving my head" off my bucket list...despite the fact that "shaving my head" was never actually ON my bucket list in the first place.

Minor detail.

And because such an announcement requires pictures of said haircut, I will now post the much-anticipated selfies.

Who knew I would be so excited about 3-inch long hair?!?

Holla!!

Eggs.

 I love dying Easter eggs with my kids. 

 And since the fun of this activity speaks for itself; I will leave you with the zillions of pictures and very little commentary from me.

Miss B dug out her Christmas penguin apron & chef hat for the Easter activities. And since we couldn't have Easter without Christmas, we figured it worked. Dr. C joined her with the Christmas puppy chef hat; because who doesn't love a good Christmas puppy chef hat?!?

Happy Easter!

The Beginning of The Week.

Today is the first day of Spring Break!
And T-Man and Fearless are old enough to get their own breakfast!
And they are old enough to get Miss B some breakfast!

Which means I got to sleep in until the blessed hour of 8 AM!
I'm loving Spring Break already.

To start the week off right, Miss Banana decided she needed to do a little morning primping.

 So remember back when I was pregnant with Miss B and I was worried she'd never want to do those girly things like shopping and make-up with me?

Yeah, I was wrong.

Sure, she looks a bit like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz, but it's a start. This girl is a make-up artist-in-training.

It's gonna be a great week, y'all!

Wedding Fun.

My brother got married on Saturday.

Aren't they a beautiful couple?!?

For them, it means a new life together. A paradigm shift where they leave behind thoughts of self and think in terms of "we" and "us". And we couldn't be happier for them.

For our family, it meant a fifteen-and-a-half-hours car ride, lunch with friends,

Like my wig? My real hair is about 2 inches long now! Holla!

 Getting my little girl in a white dress with a blue satin sash (cue The Sound of Music):

Time at the Oquirrh Mountain Temple:

 And lots and lots of pictures:

Miss B took over the camera and took about 8 zillion "artistic" pictures of the table cloth and napkins. In this one, you can also see some of the delicious fudge that was the luncheon dessert.

There was also a little bit of dancing (which you can't tell by this picture, but she WAS dancing, promise):

And some running after cousins:

Of course we stayed up too late every night, relishing our time with friends and family that are seen waaaay to infrequently. It also meant another fifteen-and-a-half-hours car ride home, during which time I picked up a $95 speeding ticket in Wyoming for going a measley eight miles over the speed limit. But it was well worth it to be there for my little bro's special day.

In short, we had a blast!

One Foot in Front of the Other.

Since surgery, I've had a semi-comprehensive mental checklist of things I needed to be able to do again in order to be "recovered". It looks something like this:

Wake-up after surgery. Check.
Be able to wiggle all body parts. Check.
Be able to stay awake for 1 hour. Check.
Be able to walk with a walker. Check.
Be able to take a shower, sitting down. Check.
Be able to stay awake 2 hours. Check.
Be able to walk without a walker. Check.
Be finished with all medications. Check.
Be able to take a shower, standing up. Check.
Be able to cook dinner for my family. Check.
Be able to stay awake for 4 hours. Check.
Be able to attend all 3 hours of church (nap needed afterward). Check.
Be able to complete a grocery shopping trip on my own (nap needed afterward). Check.
Be able to make it a whole day without requiring a nap. Check.
Be able to drive my children to and from school. Check.
Be able to drive anywhere in the city (daytime). Check.
Be able to drive anywhere in the city (daytime and nighttime). Check.
Be able to complete a grocery shopping trip on my own (no nap needed afterward).
Be able to attend all 3 hours of church (no nap needed afterward).
Have hair long enough to be seen in public.
Be able to drive long distances.
Be able to run.
 
I cannot express the satisfaction and gratitude I feel when put a big fat black check mark next to each of these things on the list. And I'm getting closer to having them all checked.

My two biggest lingering problems are my lack of stamina and my funky left leg. I fatigue much faster than I used to; I'm at the point where I can get through my regular day, but if I add in to many extra activities, I am wiped out. And my left leg still just feels...odd. For the most part, I've gotten used to my new-odd-normal; I really only notice it when I think about it or when I've done too much. In those moments, I have to consciously tell my left leg to move.

For example, I've been itching to get back to running--the cold weather and inactivity of the last few months have left me feeling sluggish. And being able to run consistently is the last thing on my checklist that will make me feel like I am me.

I hopped on the treadmill the other morning for a 30 minute slow run...thinking that would be a baby-step to get back into running. And at first, as expected, my body complained at the activity, but then it seemed to remember what to do and worked in harmony.

All of my body except my left leg, that is.

That darn left leg made me feel like I was running with one right leg and one left block of wood.
Step. Thud. Step. Thud. Step. Thud. Step. Thud. Step. Thud. Step. Thud.

Only through some serious mental exertion was I able to force my left leg to keep up. By the time I was finished, my body felt that good exhaustion that comes from making it work...but my brain was completely worn out from convincing my left leg to join in the party. Only after an intense 3 hour nap did I feel like I could face the day again.

Sigh.

Can't check off those last few things yet. Someday I will, but for now, it's still just one foot in front of the other.

The Follow-Up.

Dr. Brains wanted another MRI done to get a baseline of what my post-op brain looks like. I've done three CT scans since surgery, but last week was my first MRI.

It was an eerie déjà vu experience. I walked into the same clinic at the same way-to-early-in-the-morning time that I walked into on September 13, 2012. It was the same receptionist that checked me in. I'm pretty sure I even sat in the same chair in the waiting area.

The first thing that was different was when I went through the medical history questionnaire on the check-in form, I had to mark that I'd had a craniotomy and that I now have metal plates, wire mesh, and screws in my head. 

My children think that part is awesome.

 It was even the same tech that called my name. After a polite good morning, she told me that she had to look at my films from before, and as soon as she did, she remembered me.

Um, great. My brain is memorable! I had always hoped my brain would be remembered for being intelligent...not for growing large, alien objects.

I walked into the same changing room, locked my purse in the same little locker, went to the same MRI room, laid down on the same table.

Mentally, I was split in two. One half grateful that it felt routine, that it was just a check-up, that there shouldn't be any surprises; the other half paranoid that I would be pulled into The Sad Closet again and Surprise! there is another problem.  Half of me loved the sameness, loved that the tech remembered me. Half of me felt like a scared rabbit ready to bolt for the door at the first sign of trouble and overwhelmed by the fact that my previous films were wild enough to be remembered.

I had 45 minutes of stillness to sort it out. As the machine began its loud pulsing...I reviewed the past 5 months:

The panic of diagnosis.
The sleepless nights and heartfelt prayers.
The overwhelming feelings of gratitude.
The adrenaline rush before heading off to surgery.
Surgery day.
Recovery.
The amazing people in my life.
The effort of making my body work again.
The lingering side effects that may never go away.
The exhaustion.
The JOY of life.

All of those experiences washed over me--surrounded me--in my little MRI cocoon. As I reflected on my experiences, I contemplated the fact that every situation in life--EVERY day--whether we get diagnosed with a brain tumor that day or we simply curl up on the couch with a good book for the afternoon is our opportunity to grow.

We pass through hard times and easy times to mold us, to shape us, to help us Become who we are meant to be.

Somehow, that fact, pacified the scared-half of me. We are meant to pass through trials--to be tested and pushed and stretched in ways we would never come up with ourselves--so why be afraid? Why worry that more hard things could come?

Hard things in life WILL come.
They always do.
But I can do hard things!
In the strength of the Lord, I can do ALL things. Alma 20:4

And so, in that claustrophobia inducing tube, I found peace.

No matter what the results of the test were. No matter what changes surgery permanently made to my body. No matter what other hard things come...

I choose to be joyful, thankful, grateful for the opportunity to be here in life.



P.S. Test results came back great. I'm still in recovery and I'll post some more about that later...but Dr. Brains said my brain looks good and he'll see me in September. Holla!