ON/OFF

I've had some requests on updating where I am now, as well as my experience in the hospital...so this is a present post.

I am tired.

So, so tired.

Dr. Brains-On-Call who released me from the hospital explained to me that your central nervous system is different from any other part of your body.  With most surgeries, doctors are messing with muscles that need to be used to be strengthened and heal.  That you do a little more work each day to make those muscles stronger, healthier, more resilient.

This is completely different.
Your brain is NOT a muscle. 
If you work it too hard in recovery, those cells shrivel instead of thrive. 
When your brain says it is tired, you have to go to sleep.
When you feel like you are done, you are done.
No pushing a little harder.
No trying to get a little more done.
You are just DONE. 

That is hard for me.  My whole life I have been trained to work a little harder.  Push a little farther.  Run an extra mile.  Take on another hill.  Add in another project.  Finish one more thing.  Wipe one more counter. 
Shoot, I ran a marathon and never even hit "the wall".

And now?
Walking up and down the stairs a couple of times shuts my body OFF.
Literally.
It's like I have an ON/OFF switch that my brain flips and I can't do any more. 
No matter what I want to do.

And I have no control over it.
I wake up in a flash of energy, walk across the room, and then need to take rest.
No amount of internal will power can a difference. 
I just have to accept the flipping of the switch to OFF.

So I have taken up what I refer to as Puddle-ing.

Puddle-ing is when I sink myself into the bed, burrow into the oodles and oodles of pillows I now require, and let my body go.  The weight of each limb seeps deep into the bed.  I envision each body part stretching and lengthing and relaxing to the utmost.  I clear my mind of any thoughts--allowing calmness and serenity to take over.  It's as if I am a slowly spreading puddle, seeping into the tiny crevices of the blankets and pillows and mattress...allowing myself to turn off. 

Allowing myself the opportunity to heal.

It is serene and spiritual and calm and necessary.

And when I am finished, I turn back ON and I can go again.

But now, it's time for OFF.