I don't care what anyone else thinks or what society says or how old fashioned it makes me:
I LOVE BEING A MOTHER.
I celebrate and find joy in these three children of mine that give me the honor of calling me "Mommy."
I am not ashamed to admit that motherhood defines me. That I have chosen to let motherhood define me. That I have chosen to let the responsibility of nurturing my children seep deep into my soul until their needs become my needs; their future, my future; their happiness inextricably intertwined with my happiness.
Granted, I like a night off like anyone else. And Dr. C and I are careful to make sure I do things that are Just For Me and that our kids see me doing things Just For Me. And sometimes the nitty-gritty of motherhood is more than unpleasant.
But day in and day out...being a mother is a role that I welcome and cherish.
I love finding the little things that make my children happy and then doing those things for them. Like knowing that T-Man likes ketchup and relish on his hot dogs, Fearless likes ketchup and mustard, and Miss B likes hers cut into pieces so she can dip them in ketchup herself.
I love driving them to school, dropping them off at the door and telling them that I love them and to have a good day. I love picking them up in the afternoon and listening to them tell me--often over each other--about their day and what they did during recess and who they sat next to at lunch.
I love helping them with their homework and seeing their minds in action as they solve a new problem, learn a new word, discover a new book, complete another project. I love the way their small hands write out each word...the crooked "r", the occasional backwards "c". I love that their happiness increases when they get to use the Lego pencil or the Happy Birthday pencil.
I love sitting at the dinner table with them and having T-Man tell me about a new invention he wants to create. Or Fearless showing me the new artwork he made. Or Miss B telling us that we are all being silly. The cacophony of noise and laughter--and yes, sometimes reprimands--at the dinner table is surely the sound of heaven.
I love reading the scriptures with them and teaching them about Jesus Christ and hopefully guiding them to be respectful, kind, loving, generous, honest, faithful people. I love answering their questions about life and how to handle the difficulties that come as we strive to be better.
I love putting them to bed at night. I love singing them a bedtime song and running my fingers through their hair as they get ready to drift off to sleep. I love turning off the light and saying, "Goodnight sweethearts, I love you, see you when the sun shines."
Every. Single. Night.
Except for the past two weeks when my body has not allowed me to be the mother that I usually try to be.
When my heart has ached to tuck my children into bed, but my body has Shut Off and there is nothing I can do about it.
Now, just doing Miss B's hair in the morning is so exhausting that I need a nap afterwards.
Let alone getting her dressed, feeding them all breakfast, making sure their back packs are ready to go...it's just Too Much.
I physically can't and shouldn't do it.
The reality of being unable to care for my children now like I would like to care for them cuts me deeper than any surgeon's scalpel ever could.
In fact, it breaks my heart.
Thankfully, Dr. C, my sisters, my mom, Dr. C's parents and many, many other kind and generous and selfless people have been filling in--taking care of my responsibilities as a mother--while I am unable to do it myself.
My heart aches for the time when I can take care of my babies myself again. When they can just count on me to be there for them. That when they ask me to read them a story I can sit down and read it instead of falling asleep. That I will be able to wipe off Miss B's face without needing someone else to get the washcloth for me. That I will be able to run T-Man and Fearless to soccer practice. That I will be able to help with homework and cook dinner and help them practice the piano all at the same time.
I miss fully taking advantage of being a mother.
Oh how I pray I can do it again soon.
Sam's Top Secret Journal
6 hours ago